The only certainty in life is death.
It happened all so unexpectedly.
Starting out any day like it used to. I had just come out of a productive meeting with my colleagues.
One phone call is all it takes.
My grandmother had passed away.
Truthfully I wasn’t close to her than I’d have liked too.
But I knew the deep connection it was to my father.
He was close spiritually and confided in his mother. She was the pillar in his family back home. The reasonable, and level headed one in the family.
In a place back home where women are not usually empowered because of cultural ways, she stood out as an outlier.
She had the mental fortitude as well as a heart to make decisions for the greater good of many.
Her passing was unexpected, no signs of pain or build up to think it was ever even possible.
Guess that’s what makes it more painful then.
The fragility of life comes knocking on our door to remind us that when our time has come, there is nothing you can do to deny it.
The hardest part in all this, is actually seeing my father grieve. As the strong male figure in my life, seeing this emotional side to him is rare.
I admire his courage and vulnerability to feel and let this process take place in order for him to heal.
Being there, present, when it all happened, time felt like it slowed down. Pauses between breaths felt loud and time was filled with the deafening silence of the reality of losing someone you love.
I didn’t believe it at first to be honest…
I even argued, thinking that until she is seen by a doctor, there may be a misunderstanding… an error.
That was all denial.
Interestingly, on the day off, my reaction was to be the best support to my parents – who were now getting ready to fly to Pakistan.
I was on project manager mode, ensuring everything went to plan on time.
It was only after the initial storm had passed the next day did the unsettling feeling kick in.
Being alone with thoughts.
Other things in my life have been irritating me, but because I have not mentally processed this event fully yet.
As a result, the past couple of days my mind and heart has been out of sync, unable to focus and easily irritated.
I am okay at times, burying myself in piles of work that makes me focused. However I can’t stop thinking about how fragile life is.
I don’t know what it is going to be like, when my Dad is back.
For me, seeing him emotional is my trigger.
It’s a call for me to be strong and learn how to support the ones I love around me. Although also an opportunity to also feel these passing emotions so that they can be channeled correctly.
My good friend would always say to me;
“Everyday is a gift”
Really feeling that lately.
Never know when it is the last time you will say goodbye.
I don’t really have a message or a smart point to make. Currently writing helps make sense of myself and thoughts.
I am sure that lessons and growth are to come.
Will share when they arise.
Love you all.
